So, Where Do We Find It?

On a recent trip out of state, a friend asked where our family finds modest clothes.  This is the big question, right?  Frankly, that is the question I would most like to ask the women Church leaders and the wives of the General Authorities.  I appreciate their encouragement and examples and I already know where to get answers to my questions about doctrine and child-rearing; what I really want them to tell me is where they shop!

One might think that, because we live in Utah, there are lots of options available in local stores.  The hard news is that it is difficult to find quality merchandise here, as it is everywhere.  Gone are the days when each local store has its own merchandise manager with authority to make decisions about what the store will carry; most national chains have general merchandisers that send the same styles to each of their stores, regardless of regional standards or taste preferences. The good news is that a variety of online shops make modest clothes available to anyone, anywhere.  Mostly we look for good basics in classic styles and accessorize to meet suitable trends.

What this means in practice is that we go shopping locally and congratulate any store that can provide even one item among all its wares during any given shopping trip.  Any more than that is a bonus!  We also try to plan ahead with online purchases and expect we may have to make returns.  Secondhand shops, while unpredictable, occasionally make us feel we have hit the jackpot.

Eshakti.com, an online store, will custom-make their dress styles and send them to you in about two weeks.  Necklines, hemlines, sleeves and even sizes are yours to self-adjust for a very modest fee.  The dresses are reasonably priced and occasionally go on sale (as I write, all is 35% off).

Lands End, Eddie Bauer, Appleseeds and L.L.Bean offer consistent classic styles, though each shapes their patterns differently and each caters to a slightly different target audience.  This is wonderful, because each person in our family is shaped somewhat differently and the variety in style appeals differently to each one.  Two of our daughters have been very satisfied with the feminine T-shirts and the jeans they buy from Eddie Bauer and the third prefers L.L.Bean's jeans.  The cuts are different and accommodate their bodies.

We make most of our skirts.  Each person looks good in certain trademark styles.  Patterns regularly go on sale for $1 - $2 each.  Fabrics are not always exactly like ready-to-wear, but they often come close.  We watch for coupons and sales for half-price or better.  A nice skirt can be simple to construct and often costs less than $10 -- sometimes much less.  A skirt is also a fairly quick and satisfying project, even for a beginner.

Shirts and tops provide wardrobe variety, but we also look for good basics.  Modest shirts are easier to find in a variety of places, but they also may be sewn.  I personally order many of my button-down shirts from a local uniform store, as they come in a variety of colors -- and even the white is in a thick enough twill fabric to avoid show-through.

Layering pieces, such as sweaters, and accessories (including shoes, scarves, jewelry and so forth) are easier to find in the local shops.  Along with tops, these are the things that we use to add style.  Many stores, including Christopher and Banks, H&M, Old Navy, Gap, J.C. Penney's, Target, (fill in your local choices) carry sweaters, along with the accessories to make your personal style pop.  You can do this without sacrificing modesty or style -- and without breaking the bank.

What about dresses?  Because the women at our house are high-waisted, longer legged, and a size wider in the hip than the average cut, most of our dresses are either handmade or made-over.  It is worth it to fit a few basic dress patterns and make them several times with modifications.  A recent dress find was regularly $50 and was on sale for $10.  It was way too short, had an exposed zipper and was adorned with a gloppy chain necklace.  We bought two dresses and some matching ribbon, then cut off the chain.  The second dress provided a perfectly-matched hem addition and the ribbon was hand-stitched over the zipper, creating a classy design element -- instead of the somewhat sleazy one we were sold.  The dress was purchased to fit in the hips and needed a little shortening and bringing-in above the waist.  The fixes only required a couple of hours and the dress looks classy and fashionable -- perfect for a bride's going-away dress or for a professional-looking job interview.

And suits?  Even on sale, suits often require some outlay of money, but because these items last for many years, their cost per wearing is low.  A suit is rather defining and should be chosen carefully for appropriate fit, personal style and lasting quality.  The rule of thumb is to never buy a suit of lower quality than you can afford, but this should not be taken to mean that you should purchase the most expensive item.  Suits should be able to withstand occasional cleaning and they should be worth the expense of this cleaning.  My needs make it desirable to purchase suits as separate pieces, since I need a petite jacket and a larger-sized regular skirt (so it's long enough to stay below the knee).  Pendleton Mills has provided many of the classy items I have needed, though there are probably other companies that provide lovely suits.

"That salesman isn't as prosperous as he wants us to think," someone recently remarked as a car pulled away from the curb.  "Just look at those tires."  Like a car's tires, our foot gear communicates much about us.  Well-chosen and respectably cared-for footwear, including hosiery, often make an outfit.  Classic shoe styles that avoid extremes and don't draw undue attention or risk one's neck or ankles are usually available, though they can be hard to spot amid the garish offerings of many stores.  While shoes don't have to be overly expensive to be decent, a sturdy pair that may be polished and will last for several years is often more cost-effective than spending the same money to buy three pairs that never look as good and only last a year or two.

Dressing modestly and with dignity is more work than just taking whatever offerings are readily available, but the rewards are high.  I often think of the scriptures that speak of people who "were neat and comely" and who "did not wear costly apparel."  Often these scriptures refer to their clothing as being "the workmanship of their own hands," but I do not think this means only that these people spun their own yarn, wove their own fabrics and made their own clothing; our attire likewise becomes the personal work of our creativity as we put thought and effort into providing ourselves with appropriate items that best meet all our needs, based on what is available and possible.

Photos from online LDS files and sxc.hu.  Used courtesy of Villedieu Christohphe, Matthew Masskant, and Sarah Buxton.

Situational Modesty?

I've been up for hours since scriptures and breakfast -- and packing adults and children out the door for school, work and Whatnot.
And doing dishes and laundry.
And straightening the house.
And such.

The fact that I have persisted in wearing my ankle-length, red Stewart Tartan nightgown and have neglected to make my bed doesn't mean that I am lazy or am still trying to pretend to sleep (my legitimate excuse might be the gallons of grape juice we finished canning outside about midnight, right before the thunder and lightning picked up); rather, that I am working on another musical and have a midterm (Western songs and some love sonnets) to write -- and that I happened to get a streak of Inspiration before Getting Dressed. I work better in comfort. But Blooming-Bolt-of-Lightning Or Not, Ten O'clock is the Final Deadline for dressing and making the bed.

As the honest hour approached, I dutifully scurried to the WC to make like I Belong to The Day. And here's where the Modesty Issues come in: what I wanted to wear was in a shopping bag in the trunk of the car, which presently camps in the driveway in front of the house while it awaits the repairman's fixing of its automatic garage opener.

Our neighborhood is a quiet one, where most of the traffic (except for a few stray cars that expect a through street and turn around fast and furious when our Loop is recognized for what it is) belongs to the few houses on our street. By Ten, most folks are off on their Daily Rounds, and I tell myself that it is unlikely I would be spotted by Anyone if I make a dash to the trunk of my homeless sedan. But (okay, this sounds lazy) What can I wear that will require the least amount of changing, between now and the course of the few minutes that follow this hypothetical Dash?

Just underwear is out. Obviously. No matter how much I pretend it covers or who I am sure won't see me. The Tartan would be quick, and it's ready to hand. I have actually worn it outside the house before, more times than I hope to mention. But that is usually well before 6:30 am, when the sky is dark and I am taking a three-minute dash to drop off a child at the Seminary Building before school. Is it wrong to wear the gown at ten, but moral at six? Neck-to-wrist-to-ankle, I am covered; is it immodest because it suggests a location, activity or time that is out of tune with Sunshine? Is the Now-It-Is, Now-It's-Not idea true, or is it another of Justification's masks?

I confess a hope to be a champion of decency. Along with carefully examining and weighing each of the clues of a person's character; including how one treats her family, how he spends his money, what attitudes a person has about God, politics and entertainment; I think modesty in dress and grooming is an excellent litmus test for suitability of dating and marriage partners -- and I cheer (disappointedly, I confess,) when my sons have the courage to rule out an otherwise great-seeming candidate on the basis of her breach of modesty. And they do. Rarely does a girl get another chance, once she has been relegated to the Boot Hill of Indecency. If she is Almost Modest now, what else will be Almost about her?

Clearly, I am an imperfect one to make judgements: I have had my own moments of doubt and have succumbed to pressures, to my deep regret and even horror. I wish I could see myself as others see me before I do Dumb Stuff, so I could fully experience the chagrin of my bumbling ways without having to embarrass myself in public. I wrestle with my swimsuit each time I put it on, wondering how I can do better without sinking under the weight of a water-logged burka (like much of what's in my closet, this suit is black -- and I know I splash in deadly peril, should any shark casually glide by, since the long sleeves of my rash guard over the nearly-knee-length unitard give me a look that has too much in common with a round, slow-moving seal; to counteract this, I often add a loud pair of striped men's trunks). What to do?

Is modesty situational? Covered is clearly important, but it's also not the whole picture. Tight is out: if a top (or a pair of glorified nylons) shows the bumps and rolls and underwear cuts underneath (like some sort of colored skin from a Space show) what's the difference between that and painted Naked -- and how does this apply to swimming? Every two-year-old knows where his knee is: is a dress worth its 70% off price tag if I only wear it when I stand and it covers my knee -- and what will I do when I actually have to sit down? Can I really only wear this top if I am around folks who are shorter than I?

Now I really am tired. I pulled a black sweater and matching skirt from the closet and put them on, just in case someone knocks on the door. I'd be better off worrying about the stuff in my shopping bags another day. I may look presentable, but the clouds just pulled a cover over the sun.

Maybe I'm better off going back to bed.


Originally published on facebook on October 2.  All photos from sxc.hu: used courtesy of montagu, Pirjo L., Fokko Veenstra and Marion BELLET.

A Single Pair

Fifteen years ago, when Gordon B. Hinckley gave his famous "Six Be's" talk, he addressed the growing trends of tattoos, body piercings and multiple sets of earrings.  This caused quite a stir.  He was talking to young adults, but his comments were clearly intended for everyone.

"Did you ever think that your body is holy? You are a child of God. Your body is His creation. Would you disfigure that creation with portrayals of people, animals, and words painted into your skin?

"I promise you that the time will come, if you have tattoos, that you will regret your actions. They cannot be washed off. They are permanent. Only by an expensive and painful process can they be removed. If you are tattooed, then probably for the remainder of your life you will carry it with you. I believe the time will come when it will be an embarrassment to you. Avoid it. We, as your Brethren who love you, plead with you not to become so disrespectful of the body which the Lord has given you.

"May I mention earrings and rings placed in other parts of the body. These are not manly. They are not attractive. You young men look better without them, and I believe you will feel better without them. As for the young women, you do not need to drape rings up and down your ears. One modest pair of earrings is sufficient."

His talk was both direct and conversational, and it may seem difficult to misinterpret his meaning.  Several friends determined to follow the prophet's counsel and removed earrings to allow their extra piercings to grow together. 

A neighbor told me of a group of women in an assisted care center who wanted to follow the prophet's direction.  They sorted through their clip earrings and eliminated all but a single pair.  It is hard to imagine that they understood why God would want them to put decades worth of memory laden jewelry away, but the fact is that they obeyed to the best of their ability.  I am sure they recognized blessings in their lives for what they did.

The way in which we receive counsel from God qualifies us for His blessings.  The example of these grandmas reminds me to listen and obey with joy -- even when I do not fully understand.

Spirit of Africa earrings from stylehive.com.  Photo of President Hinckley from lds.org.

Observations Of Japan

My dad's father was a farmer from Idaho.  Dad's mother was a talented, self-taught keyboardist from the city of Alhambra, California.  Dad was raised on a farm not far from where his father's parents lived; Grandma was a professional secretary by day and she played the organ, piano and accordion for everything from church on Sunday to dances on weekends.  She also cooked and canned and sewed elegant clothes for herself, making matching outfits for herself and Grandpa to wear when they went square dancing together each weekend.  Grandpa had a beautiful singing voice and he loved making music with his family.

Dad hated farming.  He worked hard and was proud of his reputation as a worker, but he was determined to have a different kind of life.  He began taking violin lessons as a boy and he used and shared his musical gift wherever he went.  Despite his father's assurance that there was no money in music, Dad ultimately provided for our family as a music teacher.

Dad and his brothers got up early in the morning
to take care of the milking.  After the chores, they washed and changed for school or church.  Dad never wore jeans or work boots to school, "like the poor kids."  They were all poor kids, I guess, but Dad wanted to look respectable.  This strategy was probably fostered by Grandma, who was raised (along with her five sisters) by a single mother.

Dad recalled his mortification when Grandma gathered clothes for him and his older brother while they worked at their evening chores, then hurried them off to a special event.  As they changed in the car, Dad was dismayed to find that the trousers Grandma had brought for him were his brother's.  They were far too big!  There was no belt, so a scrounged safety pin was deployed to hold the pants up.  Afterwards, Dad hung back at the rear of the room and refused to greet the admired guest speaker because of the inappropriate way he was dressed.  That night he vowed he would always be prepared so he would never have to be in such an embarrassing state again.  My dad always wore a belt.  He was even buried with one.

A couple of days ago, my husband returned from a business trip to Japan.  One observation he made was that he loves seeing people in kimonos.  "It's definitely best dress," he explained:  he saw a couple of weddings and noted that kimonos are also often worn by shopkeepers and restaurant servers, while some people are doing it "just for tradition's sake."  Though the food is expensive and many people hang their laundry outside their tiny apartment balconies, "grunge never caught on here, so everyone (I mean everyone) dresses up.  Men wear suits and women do too."  Their clothes are neat and pressed, in the most dignified of colors:  black suits and white shirts with ties.  Nobody wants to look poor.

"In the US," he said, "we seem more interested in being sexy or comfortable.  The people in Japan are very fashion-conscious, but they focus on dignity and respectability."  There were a few young women in Tokyo who were wearing miniskirts, but the most indecent sight of the trip was "a mom from Utah" at a US airport.

He told of a Japanese friend who works as a liaison between Japanese and American businesses.  This man has adopted the more casual American styles.  His Japanese associates reportedly said, "Do you have a salary?  Then buy yourself a real suit!"  They recognize that his dignity reflects on the reputation of their whole country.

As I look at photos from the Great Depression and WWII, I notice how careful people were to dress up.  There were shortages of every kind, but people went to great lengths to groom with care.  They looked nice -- and they looked forward to better days ahead, like the Japanese have.

Perhaps, as Dad suggested forty years ago, people today dress like hobos because we consider we have plenty.  What does that portend for our hope and our future?

An Outward Manifestation

Though I wore a smile as I climbed onto the bus, the driver looked at me with concern -- as if I did not belong.  I was looking for my daughter, who was late arriving at the stop.  As I stepped up and looked around, every passenger got silent and stared at me.  I recall being surprised about my defensive feelings.  It was a city bus, and anyone may ride.  Then I recognized that, for multiple reasons, I did not fit in with "who rides the bus."

It may be convenient to get upset about "judging," but the fact remains that we make judgments about ourselves and others when we notice cues given by dress and grooming choices.  Is this really a bad thing?

About ten years ago, my husband sketched a handout with sixteen "men" on it.  Each drawing was only about two inches tall, had no eyes and was posed with feet together and hands down at the sides.  Even so, it was easy to recognize the difference between a used car salesman, a lawyer and a missionary.  The doctor was distinguishable from the camera-toting tourist and the wild-haired scientist in the lab coat.  The punk rocker was unlikely to be confused with the barbershop quartet guy.  Though they all wear boots, nobody mistakes Superman for a firefighter, a construction worker or a cowboy!  Also included were a scruffy teen in baggy pants, a bedecked gangster, a slouchy couch potato in his underwear and a guy wearing high-water pants and a pocket protector.

He numbered the images and presented this page as a matching game with statements such as:  Which might you expect to include "works well with animals" on his resume?  Which would you call to help fix your computer?  Which is most likely to have risked his life to help a family in danger?  Which would you want as your lead scientist on an expedition to Mars?

Participants were then asked to identify the three they would most wish to engage in conversation and the three they would feel least comfortable sitting next to on a bus trip to Idaho.

When I gave this handout to my three youngest children this morning, I was astonished at the immediacy of their answers and the consistency they achieved in matching the sketches with the statements.  Drugs are sold by a variety of people, but the gangster was the one they thought was most likely.  Domestic violence can happen anywhere, but nobody thought of the cowboy or the vacationer.  And everyone wanted the superhero on their side, if the plane they were traveling in began to plummet to the ground!

The way we dress invites people -- including ourselves -- to make judgments about who we are and what we value.  Carefully selected dress and grooming can be "an outward manifestation of an inner commitment" to follow Jesus Christ.

Easter Parade

Easter is coming up.  If it wasn't marked on the calendar, this would still be obvious from the fliers advertising white shoes and girls' dresses in pastel hues.

I know one man who insisted that the two annual Sundays his family could not wear new clothes were Easter and Christmas.  He was not against having nice things; rather, he did not appreciate turning church into a Finery Parade.  He tried to teach his family that church was a time to worship God, not to get attention for self.

Through the decades of Easter dresses, I have noticed a variety of trends.  Over the past few years, the styles have shifted so that most ready-made springtime dresses available for girls (and for women) are sleeveless.  Some modesty-conscious mothers try to rectify this problem with undershirts or micro-jackets, but the "darling" dresses send a message to our children about our ideas on beauty.  And, sooner or later, the jacket or the shirt comes off.

This was vividly demonstrated a few years ago at an evening concert at Temple Square, in Salt Lake City.  A group of children, dressed in their finest, had been invited to participate in selections of newly-composed songs.  They were seated in the high choir seats during most of the evening.

The girls in the group were all wearing white gowns, with their hair carefully curled.  They had been instructed by the organizers to be modest, and at first there was no obvious difference in the way they were dressed.  Soon, however, a girl on the end began sliding her white jacket off her shoulders.  I was seated on the balcony, but it was evident that her dress was held on only by lingerie straps.  The jacket hastily hopped back onto her shoulders, but throughout the evening -- and even while the group performed their numbers -- the girl kept experimenting with creative ways to expose herself.

Was this distracting?  Of course.  Not only was this girl drawing attention to herself by her movements and exposure; my focus was pulled from the music to my musings.  And the end of it came down to parenting.

Whether or not there are issues with the movies she watches or the friends who surround her, Somebody provided the dress and Somebody told her she looked cute -- Somebody probably even suggested she was dressed modestly.

Like the man whose holiday finery traditions were mentioned earlier, the actions of parents send lasting messages to their children.  Prolonging the dress hunt, learning to sew or seeking out specialty shops to provide modest Easter dresses are not convenient strategies, but the extra effort teaches our children that we value modesty -- every time.

(Girl's dress from The Knot; shoes sold at Prospect Hill.)

Parlor Conversation

The oldest son of my husband's brother is kind, bright and talented.  He returned from a mission several months ago and is attending BYU.  On a recent Sunday evening get-together, he was being quizzed about his dating, which has been limited.  He expressed that he was just not interested in most of the girls he had met -- and he cited the trends toward tight and revealing stretch clothing as his reason.

Many girls probably imagine that sexy clothes are more attractive and will get them more positive attention, but this observation indicates that immodesty leads to fewer total dates -- and to fewer happy marriages.

The conversation became very interesting, as another family member wondered aloud whether there would be virtuous wives available for his five sons, four of whom are teens.  He asked each family how many modest girls there were in their various congregations.  We could each name a few; sometimes it was four from a ward and sometimes it was just one from a family.  People notice and know by name those who make the effort to "walk in the light."

Hearing the names of local girls who are trying to be garnished by virtue gave me hope.  I don't know most of them, but I am thankful for them.  Their effort is making the world a brighter and better place.


(The Parable Of the Ten Virgins painting by Ain Vares.  Available in giclee on Amazon.com.)