A Little Consideration

My husband recently requested an etiquette book for our family, so we could learn together how to improve our manners.  As I perused books at the store, I noticed that most contained dress and grooming tips for propriety in a variety of situations.

As recent trends have made tattoos commonplace, considerations for tattoo etiquette must logically be included in a book on manners.  I was interested to see that job applicants were advised to cover up all tattoos and remove or cover
piercings, in order to show consideration for people around them and to maximize their chances for success in professional settings.  Further, people were instructed to directly ask about company policies and to expect to keep their body art covered, unless the employer permits its display.

This highlights the way that tattoos and body piercing are often an example of a personal choice gone awry.  Like other dress and grooming choices, they effectively communicate values and character traits; unlike a pair of shoes or a t-shirt, tattoos linger longer than the fleeting fancy of the moment.

The kindness of consideration is a gift that keeps giving!  Whoever we believe we are, we show respect for others as we use our dress and grooming to make the world better, to create peace.


Photos from sxc.hu.

The Modesty Guru

I first met Judith Rasband nearly thirty years ago.  She was already a celebrity, having been on several national television shows to teach people about ways to maximize their wardrobes.  As anyone who has had contact with Judith or her educational materials knows, Judith is a multi-talented woman who has some remarkable ways of helping people re-think their dress and grooming habits to best support their "roles and goals."

One of the most valuable things I have learned from Judith is that effective wardrobing is considered dressing:  whether we intend it or not, each detail of our appearance and manner communicates messages about who we are -- and the messages we send influence us (the wearer), both directly (as we internalize the messages we send) and indirectly (as others are influenced and respond to us as message-givers).  In order for effective communication to happen, we need "wardrobe integrity," something that happens when the messages we send are consistent with the circumstances and are in harmony with who we are and what we value.

Judith's clearly-outlined principles, including those that my daughters and I have learned from studying her copyrighted "Style Scale," have been a blessing; rather than relying on some subjective feeling (and creating a personal attack) about the impropriety of an outfit, we have common language to identify reasons to change clothes or identify ways to alter an outfit to better suit our purposes.

The basics of Judith's Style Scale, available at http://ce.byu.edu/edweek/handouts.php?year=2007, might provide similar help for your family.  It is not overtly focused on modesty; modesty is a result of choosing to dress in a way that is consistent with a person's identity and needs.  Since many of her ideas have influenced mine, so I cannot take credit for them; I am sending you to the source!




Poppy photo from sxc.hu.  Used courtesy of giniminigi.

A Tight Spot

My three favorite skirts are a little too tight.

You probably have something like them in your closet, too:  something that you chose when you were a little slimmer and have kept as the inches pushed you to the point that they won't zip properly anymore, but that you just hate to part with.

Why do we keep things like this?  Maybe we want to recall happier days past; perhaps it's a symbol of hope and a test to determine when those good days arrive again -- sometime when we're more motivated.

I was recently moved into motivation mode by my doctor's threat to prescribe medication.  As I have altered my diet and a few extra pounds have vanished, I have eagerly tried on my Christmas skirt -- and its closest friends -- and found that they zip!

But I can't wear them yet:  these skirts are long enough to keep my knees covered, even when I sit; the problem is that they are still too tight to be modest.  How do I know?  Here are some of the tests:

Are there horizontal pull marks across any part of the skirt?  (Horizontal pull lines and gaps at buttoned areas are dead giveaways that clothing is too small.)

Can I pinch at least an inch of extra fabric at the widest part of the hip line?  (A well-fitted article has about three inches of wearing ease.)

Would I worry that the seams (even if it's just the lining) could pull or even rip out if I sit?

Does the skirt cup under the tummy or the bummy?

Since the answer to one or more of these is Yes, I know I need to choose something different to wear, at least for a couple more weeks.



Photos from sxc.hu.  Used with permission of melodi2.

Modesty -- Or Idolatry?

I recently ran across an interesting CBN article which quoted Dannah Gresh, the author of The Secret Keeper.  This mother of two daughters has a modesty ministry wherein she tries to reach girls and their mothers before they get sucked into the culture of sexy clothes for young girls. 

When asked about modesty, Gresh said, "You know, that's an interesting topic.  If you look at the scriptures, modesty is self-control and how you present yourself externally so that people can see your heart. The Bible teaches that our primary role, the reason we're on this planet, is to glorify God."

"If we all wake up every day focused on honoring and glorifying God, then we'll all dress appropriately," she says.  "Any time we dress immodestly or we dress to show off our bodies, we're bringing glory to ourselves.  That's the greatest, I think, sin of immodesty, is that we're saying, 'Look at me' instead of 'Look at God.' " 

This is fascinating!  Mrs. Gresh, a modern modesty expert, is equating immodesty with idolatry.  I believe she is right.

While it may not be possible to see a person's sin challenge in an instant, how we choose to dress effectively advertises what is in our hearts. 

Incidentally, Mrs. Gresh also makes the point that, "The way that a man treats a woman is entirely his responsibility, period."  Focusing on how immodesty affects others is getting lost in the collateral damage of the initial problem of the wearer's own preoccupation with being worshiped.

"However," she continues, "a woman is called to exemplify the fruit of the Spirit. One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control, and I think we need to be able to exemplify that in the way that we dress and the way that we present ourselves."


All photos from sxc.hu. Used by permission of jayhoc.

A Little Influence Goes a Long Way

 
Several weeks ago, my sixteen-year-old daughter received a compliment after school that has influenced her.  Each day, she waits for her brother and together they walk home or wait for me to pick them up after school -- and sometimes she waits at the meeting spot for a long while.  After she arrived on this particular day, a boy named Jacob walked up to her.

"I just want to thank you," he said.  "I have noticed that you are always modest, and I appreciate it."

Needless to say, Rose appreciated his attention and his comment.  It was more impressive, though, when he explained that he had already left the school, but that he was driving home and had been prompted to return to the school and talk to her about her choice to be modest.

Thank you, Jacob!

Three decades ago, a boy bought a green shirt with his first hard-earned money.  Then he went to a salon to get his hair cut.  The stylist looked at his shirt and said, "Green isn't your color."

That boy did not wear his shirt again.  And for the past thirty years, that man has never worn a green shirt!

I am sure the stylist had no idea of the significance of that boy's shirt -- or the power she had over his life choices when she made an idle comment.  Do we?

Thank you, Jacob.


Photos courtesy of sxc.hu.

Halloween Quote

My daughter came home from school laughing on Friday.  Her AP History teacher, beloved storyteller of most of the students in their high school, had expressed disgust for the day.

"I hate Halloween," he said, as the class gasped their undivided attention.  "I hate it because all the girls think it's an excuse to dress like skanks."

Modesty matters.  Even on Halloween.




Photo used courtesy of sxc.hu.

Two Busies Don't Work

Judith Rasband, personal image specialist, tells a story of her two young sons who were getting dressed on a Sunday morning.  The older boy was around eight years old; he had dressed himself for church in plaids and his plaid tie clashed with his (different) plaid shirt and his plaid shorts.  As he descended into the kitchen, Judith wondered what to say to fix the problem and still support her son's initiative to make his own choices.  Before she could say anything, her younger son called out, "Two Busies don't work!"

"Two Busies don't work" has been our family's basic saying to help in harmonious dressing -- and as illustrated by Judith's story, even a preschooler can understand the concept.  Whether a person is old or young, his clothes best serve his needs when they enhance his purposes, rather than compete for attention.  Judith talks about the artistic quality of having a single "focal point" and other "subordinate" details.  In quilting, I express this principle as "planning a place for the eye to rest."  It is really about finding unity with harmony and contrast.

What does this look like in practice?

• If a shirt is striped, plaid, paisley, or floral, it works with solid-colored trousers or skirt.  
• If the skirt or pants have a lot of design detail, the top should be more simply styled.  
• A dark suit and white shirt can be a beautiful backdrop to a tie or necklace of nearly any design and color combination; but a blue-and-white striped shirt tends to  compete (or create a "spotty appearance" with) a plaid tie, even if the colors match.  
• A heavily-woven wool skirt or pair of trousers works harmoniously with a visually heavier jacket or sweater; which would mean a more heavily-woven, darker, more colorful, and/or richly-patterned or -textured one.
• A heavy or ornate accessory (like a necklace) should be worn with more subtle pieces (simpler earrings, a more subtle belt, and non-obtrusive hair ornamentation).
• Heavy makeup, vividly-colored or curly hair, and even dramatic shoes can be "Busies!"  As you finish dressing, check to see if there are too many Busies going on -- and confidently change whatever is necessary.

With current trends, our family has ample opportunity to make a game of noting our responses to examples of combinations that "don't work":  a recent magazine cover touted the season's fashion trend as "Clash Your Clothes," deliberately promoting the jangle that characterizes poor taste.  And jangle it is, visually and socially:  when we wear interesting combinations that emphasize harmony and beauty, we create trusting relationships; communication and order break down throughout society as we communicate identities of confusion and "unpredictability."

When we remember that "Two Busies don't work," we are really letting "peace on earth" begin with us.




Photos courtesy of sxc.hu.

Modest Means

mod·es·ty

/ˈmädəstē/

noun

~the quality or state of being unassuming or moderate in the estimation of one's abilities.

~the quality of being relatively moderate, limited, or small in amount, rate, or level.

~behavior, manner, or appearance intended to avoid impropriety or indecency. 

~the quality of behaving and especially dressing in ways that do not attract sexual attention.

Even before I was married or had children, modesty has been a goal for my home and family.  As I have learned more through the years, modesty has become more than a mere matter of covering skin or concealing underwear:  modesty is an essential characteristic of a whole person's identity as a disciple of Jesus Christ.

There have been people throughout my life whom I have wished to emulate.  I have noticed that modesty in all its manifestations characterizes each person for whom I have had lasting admiration.  The way they speak and dress and treat others shows love through courtesy and respect -- starting with quiet confidence and the elegance of self-respect.  This is at the heart of modesty.

At the moment, I have three teenaged daughters. Like everyone, I see fashion trends and know my goals to help them dress, groom, and behave modestly are not easy to accomplish with what is commonly and consistently offered; but I also know from experience that -- with effort -- the worthy goal of modesty is possible.  Together we are learning all the time what modesty means and ways to better achieve it in our lives.

 (Definitions combined from Merriam-Webster and Google online dictionaries.  Photos courtesy of sxc.hu.)