So, Where Do We Find It?

On a recent trip out of state, a friend asked where our family finds modest clothes.  This is the big question, right?  Frankly, that is the question I would most like to ask the women Church leaders and the wives of the General Authorities.  I appreciate their encouragement and examples and I already know where to get answers to my questions about doctrine and child-rearing; what I really want them to tell me is where they shop!

One might think that, because we live in Utah, there are lots of options available in local stores.  The hard news is that it is difficult to find quality merchandise here, as it is everywhere.  Gone are the days when each local store has its own merchandise manager with authority to make decisions about what the store will carry; most national chains have general merchandisers that send the same styles to each of their stores, regardless of regional standards or taste preferences. The good news is that a variety of online shops make modest clothes available to anyone, anywhere.  Mostly we look for good basics in classic styles and accessorize to meet suitable trends.

What this means in practice is that we go shopping locally and congratulate any store that can provide even one item among all its wares during any given shopping trip.  Any more than that is a bonus!  We also try to plan ahead with online purchases and expect we may have to make returns.  Secondhand shops, while unpredictable, occasionally make us feel we have hit the jackpot.

Eshakti.com, an online store, will custom-make their dress styles and send them to you in about two weeks.  Necklines, hemlines, sleeves and even sizes are yours to self-adjust for a very modest fee.  The dresses are reasonably priced and occasionally go on sale (as I write, all is 35% off).

Lands End, Eddie Bauer, Appleseeds and L.L.Bean offer consistent classic styles, though each shapes their patterns differently and each caters to a slightly different target audience.  This is wonderful, because each person in our family is shaped somewhat differently and the variety in style appeals differently to each one.  Two of our daughters have been very satisfied with the feminine T-shirts and the jeans they buy from Eddie Bauer and the third prefers L.L.Bean's jeans.  The cuts are different and accommodate their bodies.

We make most of our skirts.  Each person looks good in certain trademark styles.  Patterns regularly go on sale for $1 - $2 each.  Fabrics are not always exactly like ready-to-wear, but they often come close.  We watch for coupons and sales for half-price or better.  A nice skirt can be simple to construct and often costs less than $10 -- sometimes much less.  A skirt is also a fairly quick and satisfying project, even for a beginner.

Shirts and tops provide wardrobe variety, but we also look for good basics.  Modest shirts are easier to find in a variety of places, but they also may be sewn.  I personally order many of my button-down shirts from a local uniform store, as they come in a variety of colors -- and even the white is in a thick enough twill fabric to avoid show-through.

Layering pieces, such as sweaters, and accessories (including shoes, scarves, jewelry and so forth) are easier to find in the local shops.  Along with tops, these are the things that we use to add style.  Many stores, including Christopher and Banks, H&M, Old Navy, Gap, J.C. Penney's, Target, (fill in your local choices) carry sweaters, along with the accessories to make your personal style pop.  You can do this without sacrificing modesty or style -- and without breaking the bank.

What about dresses?  Because the women at our house are high-waisted, longer legged, and a size wider in the hip than the average cut, most of our dresses are either handmade or made-over.  It is worth it to fit a few basic dress patterns and make them several times with modifications.  A recent dress find was regularly $50 and was on sale for $10.  It was way too short, had an exposed zipper and was adorned with a gloppy chain necklace.  We bought two dresses and some matching ribbon, then cut off the chain.  The second dress provided a perfectly-matched hem addition and the ribbon was hand-stitched over the zipper, creating a classy design element -- instead of the somewhat sleazy one we were sold.  The dress was purchased to fit in the hips and needed a little shortening and bringing-in above the waist.  The fixes only required a couple of hours and the dress looks classy and fashionable -- perfect for a bride's going-away dress or for a professional-looking job interview.

And suits?  Even on sale, suits often require some outlay of money, but because these items last for many years, their cost per wearing is low.  A suit is rather defining and should be chosen carefully for appropriate fit, personal style and lasting quality.  The rule of thumb is to never buy a suit of lower quality than you can afford, but this should not be taken to mean that you should purchase the most expensive item.  Suits should be able to withstand occasional cleaning and they should be worth the expense of this cleaning.  My needs make it desirable to purchase suits as separate pieces, since I need a petite jacket and a larger-sized regular skirt (so it's long enough to stay below the knee).  Pendleton Mills has provided many of the classy items I have needed, though there are probably other companies that provide lovely suits.

"That salesman isn't as prosperous as he wants us to think," someone recently remarked as a car pulled away from the curb.  "Just look at those tires."  Like a car's tires, our foot gear communicates much about us.  Well-chosen and respectably cared-for footwear, including hosiery, often make an outfit.  Classic shoe styles that avoid extremes and don't draw undue attention or risk one's neck or ankles are usually available, though they can be hard to spot amid the garish offerings of many stores.  While shoes don't have to be overly expensive to be decent, a sturdy pair that may be polished and will last for several years is often more cost-effective than spending the same money to buy three pairs that never look as good and only last a year or two.

Dressing modestly and with dignity is more work than just taking whatever offerings are readily available, but the rewards are high.  I often think of the scriptures that speak of people who "were neat and comely" and who "did not wear costly apparel."  Often these scriptures refer to their clothing as being "the workmanship of their own hands," but I do not think this means only that these people spun their own yarn, wove their own fabrics and made their own clothing; our attire likewise becomes the personal work of our creativity as we put thought and effort into providing ourselves with appropriate items that best meet all our needs, based on what is available and possible.

Photos from online LDS files and sxc.hu.  Used courtesy of Villedieu Christohphe, Matthew Masskant, and Sarah Buxton.

Situational Modesty?

I've been up for hours since scriptures and breakfast -- and packing adults and children out the door for school, work and Whatnot.
And doing dishes and laundry.
And straightening the house.
And such.

The fact that I have persisted in wearing my ankle-length, red Stewart Tartan nightgown and have neglected to make my bed doesn't mean that I am lazy or am still trying to pretend to sleep (my legitimate excuse might be the gallons of grape juice we finished canning outside about midnight, right before the thunder and lightning picked up); rather, that I am working on another musical and have a midterm (Western songs and some love sonnets) to write -- and that I happened to get a streak of Inspiration before Getting Dressed. I work better in comfort. But Blooming-Bolt-of-Lightning Or Not, Ten O'clock is the Final Deadline for dressing and making the bed.

As the honest hour approached, I dutifully scurried to the WC to make like I Belong to The Day. And here's where the Modesty Issues come in: what I wanted to wear was in a shopping bag in the trunk of the car, which presently camps in the driveway in front of the house while it awaits the repairman's fixing of its automatic garage opener.

Our neighborhood is a quiet one, where most of the traffic (except for a few stray cars that expect a through street and turn around fast and furious when our Loop is recognized for what it is) belongs to the few houses on our street. By Ten, most folks are off on their Daily Rounds, and I tell myself that it is unlikely I would be spotted by Anyone if I make a dash to the trunk of my homeless sedan. But (okay, this sounds lazy) What can I wear that will require the least amount of changing, between now and the course of the few minutes that follow this hypothetical Dash?

Just underwear is out. Obviously. No matter how much I pretend it covers or who I am sure won't see me. The Tartan would be quick, and it's ready to hand. I have actually worn it outside the house before, more times than I hope to mention. But that is usually well before 6:30 am, when the sky is dark and I am taking a three-minute dash to drop off a child at the Seminary Building before school. Is it wrong to wear the gown at ten, but moral at six? Neck-to-wrist-to-ankle, I am covered; is it immodest because it suggests a location, activity or time that is out of tune with Sunshine? Is the Now-It-Is, Now-It's-Not idea true, or is it another of Justification's masks?

I confess a hope to be a champion of decency. Along with carefully examining and weighing each of the clues of a person's character; including how one treats her family, how he spends his money, what attitudes a person has about God, politics and entertainment; I think modesty in dress and grooming is an excellent litmus test for suitability of dating and marriage partners -- and I cheer (disappointedly, I confess,) when my sons have the courage to rule out an otherwise great-seeming candidate on the basis of her breach of modesty. And they do. Rarely does a girl get another chance, once she has been relegated to the Boot Hill of Indecency. If she is Almost Modest now, what else will be Almost about her?

Clearly, I am an imperfect one to make judgements: I have had my own moments of doubt and have succumbed to pressures, to my deep regret and even horror. I wish I could see myself as others see me before I do Dumb Stuff, so I could fully experience the chagrin of my bumbling ways without having to embarrass myself in public. I wrestle with my swimsuit each time I put it on, wondering how I can do better without sinking under the weight of a water-logged burka (like much of what's in my closet, this suit is black -- and I know I splash in deadly peril, should any shark casually glide by, since the long sleeves of my rash guard over the nearly-knee-length unitard give me a look that has too much in common with a round, slow-moving seal; to counteract this, I often add a loud pair of striped men's trunks). What to do?

Is modesty situational? Covered is clearly important, but it's also not the whole picture. Tight is out: if a top (or a pair of glorified nylons) shows the bumps and rolls and underwear cuts underneath (like some sort of colored skin from a Space show) what's the difference between that and painted Naked -- and how does this apply to swimming? Every two-year-old knows where his knee is: is a dress worth its 70% off price tag if I only wear it when I stand and it covers my knee -- and what will I do when I actually have to sit down? Can I really only wear this top if I am around folks who are shorter than I?

Now I really am tired. I pulled a black sweater and matching skirt from the closet and put them on, just in case someone knocks on the door. I'd be better off worrying about the stuff in my shopping bags another day. I may look presentable, but the clouds just pulled a cover over the sun.

Maybe I'm better off going back to bed.


Originally published on facebook on October 2.  All photos from sxc.hu: used courtesy of montagu, Pirjo L., Fokko Veenstra and Marion BELLET.